Archive for September, 2010

How God Failed the GRE

After God made the world, supplied it, got it to spinning at the right speed at just the right distance from the sun, he initiated the population, told them all about himself, enjoyed their company. You know the rest.

They rebelled because of great and justifiable complications, the chief one being pure reckless daring and teenage hormonal bravado. So he had to put some distance between them like any parent would do to an out-of-control child: pad their walls, put on some loud music to drown them out, and generally rock and ignore them till their energy had run out.

After a few generations of wildlife on a pristine planet, the natives pretended God was gone and their children even forgot there was  a God.

So God had a plan: he decided to come down and visit every single  person to show them he was real. He did so at every child’s birth, again when the children reached puberty, on their wedding day, and at other important events, like the moments just before they died. He wanted to be there to hold them in that final passage.

At first, he appeared in a body like the one he had given to the people, so as not to scare them. He introduced himself as God, made gifts appear, warts disappear and other things God-like. But after a few rounds of this, the people started thinking of him as a freak – you know, that old bearded man who never dies. What’s up with him? Didn’t our grandfathers tell us about him? So, they told him not to come interrupt their lives, that he was weirding them out.

Well, God had a second idea: He would come to the people as a spirit with a form, a kind of floating cloud-like humanoid with a voice and a unique translucence. This worked. The people accepted him at first and then they explained him to their children.

“Johnny, this is God the Creator. He loves us and we need to love him and listen to what he says”

At first, he was welcomed, but as time went on his appearing became ordinary and his presence turned rather unimposing. The new people explained him to their children in a matter-of-fact way, like he had always been there, and as far as they knew, he had. Generations went by, with God still hanging around, and humans became more inquisitive about the workings of nature, the origin of thunder, the properties of light, the composition of dirt, etc. These men of learning and their pupils eventually explained everything and kept studying what they did not understand. They began to study the phenomenon of God. They finally figured him out.

Here was their theory: Everyone on earth carries a certain chemically-produced aura about them, and it is mostly invisible. This genetic quality is passed down generationally. But because of the emphasis people put on certain events and passages of life, that aura gets stronger at times and creates an energy field that is visible. People project into that energy field their highest hopes and dreams, their supreme joys and ultimate expressions of destiny, and subconsciously, their ancestral belief systems.  So God became known as an energy field, something like the aurora borealis or a rainbow, and after a while he became such a part of the scenery that he was held in no higher esteem than mist, fog, or even air.

That’s how God failed his GRE.

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We have a great track for the race today, and a strong field of competitors..


We All Fall Down and Promise Keeper vying for an early lead on the inside, on the outside beside them is Anointing Junkie

Name It Claim is right up there, and Elijah List has some speed on the inside

Fifth place is Every Wind of Doctrine, just ahead of The Prayer of Jabez

Left Behind Series runs along in 7th, Word of Faith and Fasting TV hugging the rails.

Personal Intercessor and Purpose-Driven Life lagging behind on the outside

Forerunner in 11th

They move into the far turn and

Personal Intercessor is launching from the inside

Dance In The River is firing too

Farther back down on the rail is Laughing Revival

At the back of the pack now beginning to move up is Contemplation Techniques

Seeker Sensitive is also there toward the back

Far behind them all are Sound Doctrine along with Promise Keeper

It’s a tightly packed bunch as they move into the far turn.

It’s still the filly We All Fall Down in front

but on the outside Left Behind Series.

He is the longshot here, jockey Jerry Jenkins asking him for a little bit more.

Every Wind of Doctrine is now 5th, The Prayer of Jabez 4th, Word of Faith Coming up on the outside

Dance In the River threads himself through horses

Laughing Revival is beginning to come alive now, he is 7th on the outside

It’s We All Fall Down and  Name It Claim It

as the field turns for home

At the top of the stretch it’s  We All Fall Down in the lead

Word of Faith is bolting for the lead.

Down toward the inside, coming on through

That is . . . Sound Doctrine!

Has come on to take the lead as they come down to the finish in a spectacular upset

Sound Doctrine has won the 2010 Church Downs Derby!

An impossible event here

And a three-way photo finish for Word of Faith, We All Fall Down, and Name It Claim it. Laughing Revival took fifth.

Sound Doctrine’s jockey has done it again.

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God, I’m not sick-enough of being mediocre

Mildly tired of eating like an ogre

Wee-bit weary of being green and uncouth

Nailing up -isms and warm half-truths

Getting nauseated by drinking swamp water

Berating myself for not thinking what I ought’a.

Lately Lord,

Prayer has been like holding my breath

underwater then I’m gasping,

coming up grateful for nothingness.

It’s the yellow light at an intersection

A pause for light-speed inner reflection

Or a slam on the brakes, then a hesitation.

It’s the rich smell of tobacco drying in a barn

But once smoked, I choke for trying forewarned.

Prayer is coffee beans fresh from the ground

But then comes the roasting and that grinding sound!

It’s the soap bubbles blown with childish glee

Which burst –  pptt!  atmospherically.

One day, though, I’ll hold my breath more,

set up a tent under a semiphore

drink Kopi Luwak coffee and laugh at what’s in it

Then blow soap bubbles a mile a minute.

Give up?

Shrek no!


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